Who Am I Trying To Fool

I wonder who I am trying to be sometimes, I mean I could name the names of who I think I am, but in a nutshell I am just going to make more shame for myself. But I am starting to see that I am turning this blog into a worldwide shame story. “Hey go read this chick, she is a utter failure at everything she does in her life” – “Oh yea I have glanced at her page once, always moaning and does not have a clue about anything at all. Why does she even bother or is she trying to make a fool of herself” So that may be true or a little over the top, but that’s what I feel people think of me. Why well because I do think of what people will think of what I say, what I do and how to interact with people. I feel like all I do is put myself down, but that is mainly because I am. I have no idea about fashion and the same goes for makeup. One thing I know I can do is raise me kids. I know I am not the best, but define the best…. I make my kids happy and they make me happy in so many ways I wonder who I am trying be right now. I know I am still me when I write these blogs, I know what I say is true. So why try I am making nothing but an idiot of myself. Would you want to read about someone who fails at everything, even things she has never tried. I watch YouTube and people who I am subscribed to… people who really wouldn’t give me the time of day. Most don’t… but there are a few who have. Right now I am in over my head. I am fighting depression and thinking I am these people. I can do this too if I had the skill, the right looks, the money, the viewers, the fans, the agent, the products, the right equipment… I am a mum of five who saved for weeks just to buy a camera to vlog. I am now decorating my house because I feel ashamed of how it looks. I am speaking southern sometimes which is how I used to speak as a child (I was born in London) yet my accent is Liverpudlian. I mainly only speak that way from fear… from feeling anxious or worried how I am being. I notice what I do and TBH I am sick of being like this. I would like to be able to blog about how I tackle makeup and make beauty videos. I would love to show you how I go down my own fashion catwalk. I’d love to hear feedback from readers. on how they beat depression. It seems that for months I have talked to myself here not knowing if I am making myself heard. I get views to my page I can check that but I know I am not getting anywhere with this blog. Nor with my YouTube Channel. I know people who are massive in blogging and in making videos for YouTube will say that you can not be a star over night. You need to gain people’s attention and I must be doing that if I am getting views. They may not be in there thousands but to get 20 views for a video is a massive deal to me. But with no subscribers or followers. I feel that I am a hopeless case with an idea that is not going to get me anywhere because so many people are doing it and are great at doing it. So why would someone want to watch a mum who has nothing start her journey into trying to become something like that. I can never think of any content that I can do anymore… Weekly vlogging is becoming a challenge for me because my life is dull and boring.
I am considering getting my licence and passing my driving test. Getting a car and that way I would have something to work with as I could vlog where I go with my kids. Taking you around where I live showing you Liverpool, Lancashire… maybe even vlogging/blogging how I go about getting my licence and my journey into getting my licence. I am on benefits and I know people look down on people like that. But I hope to show you that there are people like that who budget and save, I do not live a fantastic live. I do not live a life where I can get up and take myself to another country for a few days…. If I think about the money I would need for a short break with 5 kids. That would blow my mind. I got depressed and wanted to fight it in a new way for myself and that was to share my experience with the world. I now hardly speak of it because I feel I am doing so much now that I do not have time to be depressed. I feel stressed out but depression is something that hardly fights back, yet when it does I feel it is a wake up call to me. I think this is the reason I am being the way I am right now, I am acting like someone I am never going to be. I need to get over it and see that I will never be like them and work with what I am, what I have got and if my content isn’t fantastic. Well you can’t get what I get on benefits and say look I am professional in what I do. Because to me I do feel like I am. I feel like I am on the top if of the world sometimes being able to save to try something new. To be able to share what it is like for me and my kids to be. To share our story and my kids story. To make gameplay videos that will be uber rubbish because I can not afford a top notch computer. The fact I have 2 laptops is a blessing for someone who is on a low income. I love to find ways of saving money, organizing my life ¬†for the best and for my kids as it can and has before got out of hand before. Some of us are just like the working class, just we live on a budget. But Good Gosh I try so hard to provide a life for my kids, to fight my own way out of depression. To write my novel I have failed to do so I can work to being an author. Would I say that what I am doing now is just a hobby. No. This is a new way of looking at life. It may seem like I am just finding something to do with my day but I really am not. I am just trying to fit into the world. So I do not have to be in the dark with no friends and no body to turn to if I ever needed advice. I am still in that dark but that is why I have this place so I can share my views on how I see my life. It may make you think twice about people on a lower income who want to stay that way. I refuse to work because I want to enjoy my kids, from babies till full time school days. I don’t want to be able to say I wasn’t there for breakfast or to read them a bedtime story because I was working late. If I can grasp a way to work from home and enjoy my kids like I always have done I can get of that low income and work for myself…. I want to finish my saga series of books to work on the other side of book I wanted to work on. I would like to buy a better computer so I can make better gaming videos and maybe try new and different things for my YouTube Channel. I would love to have something where a talent agency can look at me and say “she has something we can work with here” Do I sound greedy… Maybe but not knowing this type of life was really out there I only seek what many other have and now have got. I can see why I made myself become so distant from social media that was to take a long hard look at myself and finish what I started a long time ago… Now to figure out Google AdSense, Google Analytics, Webmasters Tools, Because I have no idea what on earth what I am doing or if I have set it up right at all. Plus I need to find a way of growing my channel to reach 10,000 subscribers. So YouTube Creators is another place I need to look into. Yet before I do that I still have two other places I need to work on and have not yet started. My other blog for my book that is going no where along with my website for my Minecraft Server that still has no work done to it yet. Think I am taking on more than I can chew. All this stuff and I am doing it alone, I have had help for my Minecraft Server before but how would I learn how to maintain my server if I allowed someone else to run it. People gave so many good ideas that I wanted to fit it all in knowing full well it was taking me away from the real reason of why I wanted to make a Minecraft Server. I have my ideas of what I want to build, yet am so scared to speak of it as I have had my ideas stolen twice now. I do not want it to happen again and who do you trust online these days. Sometimes I even doubt myself for being a let down. I opened this blog before it was due because I felt so bored yet stressed because I had nowhere to vent, nowhere to share what I had been doing, yet when it comes to sharing I fear it and end up keeping it to myself.
[Who do I think I am trying to be. Explain that sometimes you feel that watching people on youtube gives you the right to feel that you know what there saying when mostly you don’t]