What a week I have had, and today’s title was kinda the only thing I could think of from the top of my head. So I will start with what I have been up to that has been helping to take more control of my life….. Well I have hardly taken any steps into doing that, If I have done anything this week I have been trying to keep the daily things going the best I can. I am sorry if the lack of content has been somewhat dull. I have not forgot to try. I have been over thinking myself into a state of stress the past week. Along with added stress of decorating my house, living on Twitter and Mainly YouTube watching people who always have a way of making me feel like I can take on the world. It may not last long as my life soon brings me back to reality. But I like to dream and think I can be a social wonder woman and a mother of five children combined. I noticed so many little flaws in my blog post also that its frustrating me to the point that I am having second thoughts on opening the novel blog. Speaking of novel, I have been working on that which is a reason why my blogs may repeat words often. I struggle ATM to think of new content of every post and when it comes to my YouTube. My gaming series has been pre recorded as in I have recorded them last least a week ago so I can try and push out more recording when I can fit it in looking after the kids and writing the book I have spent years working on. I feel really bad at times as I read back what I write and can see so much of myself being pushed into this character I am working on. I feel bad as I am not making people happy. I feel as if I am talking to a blank canvas so I work on my book as I know that my characters will at least reply back… or have feedback I have something to work with. I have noticed something the past couple of weeks and it is amazing how when you think about life there are or is someone or people out there who are willing to help. They may not know you but what they say really gets you thinking about how you view life. This week has really opened my eyes to a few of a lot of things I have going on in my life. I have been trapped in my own little world for so long that it is still shocking how there are so many people who help, or can relate to things I really have not been alone at all. I just didn’t see that I could of found these things, people. Or I could of reached out and spoke to them. I like to keep my life in order, but think I have steady control of it at the present. if you would of asked me about doing that 3 months ago I’d of lied. I find it hard to control myself when really it’s not just me. I have 5 little people to think of also. Appointments, birthdays…. events, homework and well I could go on and on. But I now know what is stopping me from being able to get myself in order. Now to figure out what I can do about it. Nine times out of ten I like to hideaway from my issues, I write but even that is being thrown back in my face. I know the layout of my story like a movie in my head so I know what comes next. Why can I not do that with my life. Why do I feel I have to rush and give out a sloppy mess of “Ugh not this again” or the ones I dread “Why bother” & “Your failing and you know it” I have fought so hard this week to fight the demon of depression that is trying to put me down. Yet I can see why I am feeling so low because all the quote are kinda right, I think… Or should I think that way. It wasn’t long ago I wanted to start vlogging, and no matter what I tried to do I felt stupid and now I upload a weekly vlog every Saturday on YouTube. I know I do not have a fantastic life, nor do I have a splash amount of cash or a fabulous home to say this is mine. I do however have 5 amazing kids who I wast to share with the world. Show people who may watch what my children get up to on a weekly basis. For someone who was thinking the worse not to long ago about that I feel that I should continue to get my life in order. I can not be a fantastic person. Doubt I ever will be, but I know in time I can learn how to be a better person. Better at making my videos something people will want to watch, better at making my blogs something to read.
Just I do not know how or where or why!