Tackle The Past, Deal With The Moment


DayThree: I am still taking them small baby steps in which was given by FlyLady herself
(just I have tweaked mine a little bit.)
I was not in a really good place today, started out kinda well. Kids were all fed and ready for school, my mobile was going crazy with alarms and notifications I had set out for myself today.
One being this pink little beauty that came in the mail today.
I wanted something that I have wanted for a while now.
(Here she goes again with her dedications)
I am sorry, really I am but I swear I have been able to gain so much strength through this family, I have been able to smile again not just by watching their videos or reading their blog.
I am able to look at my children and see the little things there doing again, even when they are not doing them and smile thinking how adorable they are and how happy they always are.
So after my hectic day of going out due to family matters I was happy to be at home.
First big day of events I have taken in a very long time. Saw loads of old faces, looking a little shocked to see me. (“Aim To Please”) I was glad to see them, may not have been able to have a chat but I was able to be out there again not scared anymore. Saying that…. I had to take my kids to see the dentist today, all 5 of them. I can say that was an experience I missed.
Rallying the monkeys together as we filled the dentist waiting room.
It worked out great as I finally snapped a show of my eldest son at last!
I didn’t think I would be thinking this way but I am a little eager for what tomorrow may bring.
I still face the same old life of cooking, cleaning… feeling trapped but this getting out more, speaking out more makes me feel alive, makes me feel heard, makes me feel one step closer to taking my next step into fighting this horrid depression/loneliness.
I have never had time on my hands like I have been having these past few days.
I have time to make a coffee, read something or catch up with my apps.
I tried to tackle my mass amount of e-mail today. Most junk/spam but there was mail that I had let build up for so long after having it organized with folders. I had allowed myself to let simply tapping a few buttons and placing them where they were meant to be. I never done very well doing that as I was sidetracked into trying to figure out the e-mail addresses I had and didn’t have anymore. Suppose that could count as dealing with it right ?!?
Yea. I will have to try and take on the challenge of doing it again. Maybe doing one e-mail address at a time. When I know which ones I use still and the ones I don’t use anymore.
I would like to thank Anna Johnathan for there blogvlog and for being the energetic self’s.
They have helped me so much, as I stumbled into Anna when I was trying the 1st time round to tackle my depression by organizing my life. It was from that moment I knew there was something about her I was glued to. (Can you tell I am a fan?) Yet I began to sink after trying to take on way to much in a short time of space, causing everything I was juggling to become a massive mess. What was worse I had nowhere to hide time, being that what I was doing was online, sharing my life to the public just like Anna does (Just she does a way better job).
Trying to say this in as many short words as possible;
I took on a blog (This one)
I wanted it to look good, which took me to YouTube
Where in my spare time I was learning to play a video game Minecraft
That took me down a whole new path…. “I wanted to be a Youtuber”
Which I then began to find you how, which led me to..
Gamers who recorded Minecraft and posted to YouTube!
Was this world wide web crazy, How did I get lost for so long…
In time I was ready to start doing my own videos, with a basic laptop.
That’s when I remembered about my blog, (Sorry)
So, before I tried to get into the video side of things I went of to set it up
Till I ended up with a Minecraft server, WebHosting and a Domain.
I was getting in deeper and deeper seeing as I had know idea how to use this.
I was just a mum who liked to play games, and blog sometimes…
Now I was paying monthly bills and trying to create something I couldn’t do.
In a hole my blog became a shadow over Minecraft, and I tried everything I could do get the know how on to running a Minecraft server… but where was the Mothers guide to being a complete Newb to Minecraft and wanting to run a 70 slot bukkit server ? Never found one…. I tried to work with different guides but plugins drove me crazy. I looked into help then, and was helped from it which was great if I could stick to an idea but working from one person to the next other people claimed they were not good choices and not knowing I allowed my server to be a test subject to people trying to help get me started.
My Minecraft video side of things semi worked out, I had a YouTube Channel for a while made 3 short series that were horrible. Then to top it off I saw I was getting copyright tags in most of my videos so not knowing something else I just took the videos off and closed/moved the channel to where I am now. Where nothing much is still going on there.
I felt spending money on one thing, while the other things I was doing was free I should of put more effort into it, Didnt work well which has taken me on a depression adventure on it’s own.
I suppose with things I have not mentioned that I also got up to. This leads me to now. Nearly a year later and I have nothing to show but me moaning about how rubbish I am at doing things.
I wanted to do so much with no skills and no time to learn them.
I had made myself a big mess and I hated it which bring me to say:
What I will do about it all!
I have no real answer at this time. To be honest I feel like hiding again.
Deleting everything about myself, about talulajadeuk and never coming back
Feeling defeat which kills me as I loved what I was doing, when I was doing it right.
I got myself this domain. I hope to set up a e-mail address so if I ever get readers that would like to contact me one2one they can. I wanted to learn to vlog so I can share my life as Anna does. I wanted to start a Minecraft server and a Minecraft series that I still use/play along with animal crossing new leaf 🙂 I know I can if I can find a way of doing the right thing and finding out what it is I should be doing first. I just still do not know what that is.
My Online Social Life is a FAILURE!
My Offline Family life is getting better!
Myself as a whole is seeing that I need to ask for help in the right way!
Now to work on trusting people online as I have been conned, cheated and lied to
Things that come part of being online, things I am scared that much about I felt that doing all I done above alone was the only way I could avoid it all. Just didn’t know the time/skill.
I wonder if working on my blog and establishing a better connection of myself as me and talulajadeuk I can maybe start to branch out, Maybe learn to vlog (When I get the equipment), from then I can work on them branches and see which I could be comfortable working on next, while remembering that My Blog Comes First! Readers come first.
Peace && Love
Cuttie Kisses
Sammi – talulajadeuk