Socially Shy

I’m so sorry that I have posted this so late everyone, I have been so busy with decorating my house, and weekends are always busy for me with having my kids. Yet I am not here to make excuses guys and gals so I will get down to this weeks “SazzySays” which is kinda why now I have read back I can see I am doing it again. I have started to bottle myself away. I mean that in the way that I am making myself distant from twitter unless my Fan Obsession kicks in and I reply back to people I follow or I am saying something be that via text or by image. I have been determined to get my house on it’s way to become a home also. I really do not know why I am so distant, or what I can do to be that bubbling self I normally am and am when I am doing something else. I have been into doing my house, or playing my private Minecraft series (Where I talk to myself like a crazy women trying to get friendlier with my microphone. I know I have only just started the series and also with vlogging but my minecraft series is pre-recorded and I have currently 10 EP’s at the moment. It may not be the way to go, but having only hardly anyone like my videos, I am so truth telling today but I am using my kids accounts for ratings and that like I needed (Why I Do Not Know) I have a small amount of subscribers who hardly leave comments, and I took a look at them a few days ago and I think most of them have dead accounts. So I really do not know how many I really have. 5 people I know of, 3 are good friends of mine from twitter so if they read this they will know who they are and the other two are my kids. When I started YouTube, I wasn’t into getting views and likes and subscribers. I was just into uploading videos that people could enjoy. Now after a long break and coming back. So much has changed, and now I am looking to gain them likes, gain them subscribers… Get a community of friends, family and fans that are just amazing. I know this can not be gained over night, I know that I have a lot of work ahead of me if I want people to take me seriously or funny as I really don’t know how people see me. I hope it isn’t as a joke. Because I want to share a part of myself with everyone. There may be an edit here and a cut there… but I want you make a memory something for my kids, children to say wow who is that and whats a CD lolz. I get anxious about every video I have ever uploaded… 
I become panic stricken thinking why bother thinking this video will be different as they will just be like any other I have uploaded. I put myself down so bad and close myself away into this shell that I end up more a fan of people I want to become than trying to make myself like them but with my own twist, with my own story. I feel that maybe getting into YouTube a little before my time hasn’t help much either.
I have been living on my YouTube channel so much as of late that I am now a partner. I really was not ready for that. and I don’t know if I ever will be. To make my panic worse I signed up for Google ad sense. Knowing hardly anything about it. IT Is only now I see that it was yet another bad move on my part because it involves money which I have no signs no getting due to not having subscribers. I sat looking on YouTube trying to go Green. If you have a channel you will know what I mean and the only one I do not have is Paid Subscribers. I know I am going on about this but with no clear understanding about what I have done. Why on earth am I letting it bother me so much. Have you ever like a YouTuber for so long, that you have never spoke to them because you felt that they got so many tweets, comments that you may not be read or replied. I have been lucky and not to brag guys and gals but the few people I have had the bottle to speak to took the time to reply and that gave me such a great feeling. It reminded me that I need to continue, it is because of these people I am trying to become #MummaNewb I know there are loads of Mothers who are on YouTube, they have a lot me in skill in various things which is where I hope to stand out. I have hardly wore make up I wouldn’t know how to make my hair look nice unless it was to stick it in a high pony tail. I live beyond my means and I hope to never go down that path but I am trying to control what I spend (saying that I have just ordered from 3 different supermarkets for a weeks shop) Here I know I can say what I feel compared to my vlogs which I would love to do, but I am so camera shy of being hated on or judged I stay well clear. I do not know how I can my change on YouTube. Do I need to change…. Is not having any feedback and hardly any views a good thing? Should I speak more and thank people I watch for there content. I want to reach out to these people I adore and love to watch. Make friends with them. Ask them things as I know they would only know the answer to. I am just so scared of so many things I fear being a fan who is trying to be someone that is already out there is all I will ever be. Who wants to watch a mum of 5 who makes a weekly vlog and uploads gaming videos. I would love to watch anyone like that hence why I started what I am doing. But I am thinking it is maybe something people do not wish to see. I hope to add more to my channel, I want to cook/bake from other YouTubers (Something different) I would love to learn from again YouTubers how to do my makeup (Something Different) I will get there but should I try and fail now… I say fail as I tried to blog my makeup once which didn’t work out so well. Who knows where I will be in a months time… I can see myself getting all panicky again. So I will end in knowing I will run in fear wish tomorrow would hurry so I people will forget I ever made this post. Until my next post 
Peace && Love