You know what I hate? I hate change, I say that but laugh at myself as I try to create a new me, try to organize my life again as I am sick of feeling sorry for myself, sick of feeling lower than low. Sick of being in that dark place. I don’t know if you saw I have tried to record again. I made a minecraft guide video based on my experience even if I have been playing for ages. I wanted anyone who didn’t know about minecraft to know what I do and why I am addicted.
But Wednesday night hit me hard, as darkness was setting in around me and I felt like I couldn’t do anything. I was starting to think I was nothing but a joke to people doing what I have planned and trust me I make sure I use the notes app on my iPhone daily to write ideas I have for the new me. Well I did!
See the fear and darkness set in that bad I deleted everything out of being ashamed. I then pretty much hid away from most social sites using YouTube as a comfort into until midnight. I don’t know why I do this but I do this often, and I hate myself for it after.
How can I take BabySteps with flylady if I can’t get past day one without hiding away from the world, from myself. I did say right that I hate change…..
Well I’m starting to think that the darkness inside me hates that I am trying to break free. Trying to make a life for myself. I had plans to record a new game today, I tested out the visual and audio before hand but when it came to doing it I decided to scrub my carpet clean of marks that I had let blend into my carpet.
I hate that I keep avoiding what I want to do, yet when I do something I make a fool of myself. I tried to edit up a bunch of videos I had made of myself and my kids for my first vlog. I messed up, due to not having my camera at the right angle. What was worse I sat thinking to myself I was stupid to think I could ever Vlog. I can’t even record a minecraft series because I have a terrible laptop, I can’t figure out the best settings using Optifine so I can play on my own. I can’t even figure out why I can join my son on my other laptop and vice versa. I make myself feel so small that when it comes to my minecraft server that is still doing nothing, I think of vanishing from this online world and never coming back.
I let the darkness win, and I have no way how I can fight back. Not even BabySteps work for me. Ignoring it don’t work as I only get mad and say dumb things. Maybe what I am trying to do is just way to much. Being a parent is hard enough. I just feel like I am stuck in a loop I want to go forward yet in being held back and that is only by myself.
It’s times like now when I look at my children sleeping at 1:48am I can think clearly, no darkness can effect me. I can face anything, but when do I get the time to sleep. I can’t looks after the kids with no sleep. Which brings me to think….
Okay Sam, tomorrow you get up and check the flylady flight plan. Follow the routine and for it into dealing with the kids. So make sure you type what you do in your phone to keep a record of what you do and when you do it. Good plan!
So the morning comes and I am stressed that I slept in longer, so rushing to deal with the kids I forget myself, make breakfast, put some washing on and tackle the morning dishes. Change the babies and get whoever is going out with there grandad ready to go out. If I have time Hoover up from breakfast, grab a can of monster, that I then forget to open because I’m then putting dishes away and tidying up the toys the kids are atill playing with because it’s time for whoever is going out to go out. So I have to make sure the house is tidy in case I am judged for the mess or grandad comes and has an accident with the toys everywhere. That would then lead me to logging on to minecraft whee I yet again create a new world and attempt to play with having no real purpose to why I wanted to go on the game in the first place, by this time it’s going on for lunch time, when I find that reason, but have to come off to make lunch for the kids. Not before another nappy change. When lunch is over my kids go off to play while I clean the dishes again or worse they get dumped on the counter while I go off to clean up whilst making more mess thinking if it don’t get done, it will never be done catchphrase I say to myself, but like always… My daughter needs her second nap and my youngest son starts getting snappy and naughty due to getting tired. My other 3 tend to go up to team up and play minecraft on there xbox, but moan when my 4 yr old son can’t join because he don’t understand the game like they do… By this time knowing I can’t get nothing much done I go to my mobile on every social app I have, liking posts or giving peoples tweets a favorite till I have time to do something… Shocked as always I panic into what I should do which always ends up in me playing minecraft again. Starting a new world, because I forgot what I was doing on the other. Knowing starting to work on recording while it was so noisy wouldn’t happen…..
I could go on into the afternoon/evening till up to this point right now but that’s the part where I kinda repeat what I had done in the morning, just with added baths and Jammies on for the kids before spending ages trying to get them to sleep… That lands me into playing minecraft again till I get bored or I go into YouTube again till about 11:30pm which is when I start to get ready for bed. Washing my face, brushing my teeth then my hair and slipping into bed. But normally by 1am I’m awake, then again at 4am, and again at 6am before the babies have me up for the day by around 7:30am (ish) where I then follow my loop all over again.
I have so much I would love to do, so many things I would like to do with my kids, I am trying to get money saved even if were not taking a yearly Spanish holiday as I wanted my house done. Nearly 3 yrs I have lives here and nothing has been done at all.
It’s errand day today, I say that as it’s now 2:10am and this is a shock for me being awake at this time, but I have a son still awake and my body, my brain won’t allow it’s self to shut down till I know every child is sound asleep. I would say this day has been helpful to me, but I know I will forget half the things I was meant to do hence me posting it (again) in hope I will be reminded… With Easter getting closer I really should plan this surprise I wanted to do…. Along with a few other things like ring my mum, clean the house and all you have read above. See I won’t find time to fit anything else in till I kick myself into touch and learn that this dark place wants me to stay feeling sorry for myself. I want a life so I can step outside the house again, which does not involve a drs app, or a emergency ambulance trip over bad tummy pains that was never solved. If I have to moan and repeat myself time and time again. I will kick this sluggish mood that is over me, I won’t have to rely on that fake happiness of a smile I use. I want to feel happy and mean it. And I will try and try again. Unless I read this tomorrow and hide away for another day.
Peace && Love
Sazzywils – talulajadeuk