November Drain.

I have been stuck in a place where I have found it hard to get the words out in which I would like to say. I have allowed myself to be so caught up in a easy way out that I didn’t see what I was forgetting to do, who I was trying to be back in the summer. I allowed myself to shut down and hide away.
It wasn’t due to anything that was said or done towards me or my family, I just felt anxious, worried about how I was putting myself across to you all. I know that it could be a common way to feel or think but I was letting it push me down more and more. When I would come up with a new idea to make a comeback the worse happened in my laptop breaking. I just let myself fall thinking to myself that I was best to quit while I was ahead yet continued to post small things every no and then. So I must of missed what I was doing. I am a mother of 5 kids and my last two children are ready for school soon. I say school its for 2 year olds up. So I felt I had free time on my hands to go back to doing what I feel/felt was a hobby. It was only till I remembered that all my work. weeks and weeks of videos template blogs I had prepared was gone, deleted, vanished for good. Why I let it hit me so hard I really don’t know but I am seeing that I am allowing it to knock me back, to the point that I am losing the heart to start again. As much as I want to continue, I fear everything… Myself, my kids, my home… the way I am… the fact I will never be at my best. Not that I ever was at my best. I was in a good place back then so trying to get that back is ever so hard for me to do.
My mind feels like I have so much I want to do yet my brain finds the outlet and flushes it all away, which then upsets me more as I don’t want to just be who I am. I want to do more with my life. I felt like I had failed before I had chance to try. Which is the reason for the blog, the reason I hardly blog these days, the reason I stopped uploading videos, then to trying to change my channel last night which I don’t think worked very well. What seem to start as a hobby made me feel sluggish. I have seen this happen on YouTube to other people, but I am in a bit of a struggle to bring myself back. I know I will not give up. I will try but doing all this with no knowledge, no friends unless you include my children and with no skills at all I am a lot slower than most people. So with that I want to thank the people who are still reading my blogs. To the people who are still subscribed to my YouTube channel. I have not left, I am still around, but I am a little lost and trying to find my way back.