Admit Defeat Or Fight Back!

I am at that stage now where I wonder why I bother. I can feel that fake self of mine coming back. That feeling where I just don’t want to be here anymore. Maybe deciding on fighting depression and going this way about it wasn’t a good idea after all. I’m not writing this in hope of a reply. Or for people to even read it. I’m doing it for myself! I want to feel something other than “blah” and not the kind of “blah” where you are having a CBA day. I’m talking the depression kind. The one where you just want to vanish in the world because as annoying I maybe to people with my new me, I let my changing moodswings win overall. I want to look back at this and prove to myself that I got better, that I have fought it once and can do it again. 
 
But at this moment in time..As much as I want to fight, I feel like giving up.
I need a new plan of action, being myself just isn’t working.
Maybe I am doing to much in order to prove I can fight this depression.
I need to take a long hard look at what I want to do and do it
Not write it down, make a list and ignore it
I hate routine when it comes to fighting this but maybe I need it
Maybe trying to be a mother/blogger/socialite/gamer is just to much
not that I game at all, as nothing ever works and that frustrated me
I blog yet reading it back i don’t get half the things I write anymore
Does this blog have a purpose anymore?
I spend more time moaning about something than enjoying life
I should be speaking of the joys I have had not that I would like to, and I can’t
Twitter has started to become my new home, killing my battery 
leaving me no life to make/answer calls (well done me)


I need a new approach, if I really want to fight this. I do not want to go on anymore feeling like rubbish everyday, so when friends catch on and ask how I am I have to lie to them.
Friends who do not read this blog and do not know that I have a serve depression and that I have been living a lie for the past few years. I want my life back (do it) I want to be happy again (do it)
 
I am not a pro or qualified person in anything other than being a parent, but I am fantastic at letting myself down in every which way I can…. Forgive me!